I Fancied You Until I Saw You Yawn Read online

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  I FANCIED YOU UNTIL I SAW YOU YAWN

  Robby Dundee

  Copyright © 2015 Robby Dundee

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  SECOND EDITION

  ISBN-10: 1517265835

  ISBN-13: 978-1517265830

  Ebook formatting by www.ebooklaunch.com

  CAUTION

  Some poems in this book are unsuitable for younger children. Discretion is also advised for anyone suffering from a nervous disposition, anyone called Nigel, anyone who is or happens to be married to an unsuccessful clown and finally, anyone who is planning to use a toilet within the next 24 hours.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Thank you to Rachel Evans for her artistic prowess at cover design, Zoe Karpeta for her elegant yawning abilities, and to my wife, my mum and my good friend Gaz Rowntree, who put up with my endless barrage of frankly uninvited poetic texts and humored me with words of encouragement whilst secretly wishing they could change their mobile number.

  Cover: Rachel Evans

  https://reedsy.com/rachel-evans

  Model: Zoe Karpeta

  www.zoekarpeta.co.uk

  Dedicated to my mum, Julia Bell.

  Your determination is an inspiration

  A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

  Thanks for buying a copy of my debut poem collection - ‘I fancied you until I saw you yawn’.

  You are about to embark on a journey into the depths of my mind; a journey which I hope will make you laugh and won’t leave you curled up, shaking and sweating, in the corner of the room. To be honest, not everyone has ended up like this. I’m sure you’ll be fine.

  Please tell the world about this book.

  Use Facebook, use Twitter, hire a plane with a message flying behind it. Just do whatever you can as we haven’t much time!

  Enjoy!

  Robby Dundee

  RobbyDundee.com

  Facebook.com/RobbyDundee

  Twitter.com/RobbyDundee

  Table of Contents

  CAUTION

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  DEDICATION

  A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

  IT’S A STRANGE WORLD

  Cash Machine

  First Last Date

  I’m not well

  My Dilemma

  Burger King

  Pedestrian Crossing

  My Secret

  I fancied you until I saw you yawn

  Wee Wee

  Takeaway

  Treasure

  Tiger and Raccoons

  Dyson Airblade

  Night Miles

  Badger Fun

  Keeping it in the Family

  Uncle’s Poetry

  Miscarriage of Injustice

  Gary’s Sandwich

  Aunty Sue

  Underpants

  POO

  Angry Neighbor

  Previous Poo

  Short and Sweet

  Toilet Cruelty

  Marathon Poo

  Delayed Due To Poo

  Cubical Fear

  Poo Stand Off

  Twenty Four Seven Toilets

  SPUNKY THE CLOWN

  Grumpy Spunky

  Spunky Must Die

  Clowning Around At The Farm

  Swim With Spunky

  Spunky’s Secret

  NIGEL

  Nigel’s Lunch

  Nigel in a Crate

  Dirty Nigel

  Nigel’s Angry Cake

  Unwelcome Nigel

  Nigel’s Mayonnaise

  Poor Nigel

  Nigel’s Cake

  Ungrateful Nigel

  More Cake

  I Have Issues With Nigel

  Nigel’s Written Work

  Sleepy Nigel

  LET’S BE SERIOUS

  After the Storm

  Goodbye

  Abstinence

  Urban Heart Attack

  Self Employed

  Duvet Duvet

  The Runner’s Paradox

  A Poem To Sing With Friends

  Mandatory Action

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  IT’S A STRANGE WORLD

  Cash Machine

  Here I stand at the cash machine,

  And behind me forms a queue.

  They wait for me to take my turn,

  But there’s nothing I can do.

  I have no pin,

  I have no card,

  I haven’t any money.

  I don’t even have a bank account,

  I just stand here as it’s funny.

  First Last Date

  She warmed my soul, she stole my heart,

  She was cheeky, fun and bubbly.

  We talked all night, we shared our dreams,

  She was, quite simply, lovely.

  And after food, and a little wine,

  We went our separate ways.

  I vowed it would be temporary,

  And that we’d meet again in days.

  He leered at me through watery eyes.

  He talked at me and farted.

  He was obnoxious, old and smelt of booze,

  I was desperate that we parted.

  We ordered food, well, we ordered chips.

  He drank wine he’d brought from home.

  I vowed we’d never meet again,

  I’d much rather be alone.

  I’m not well

  I’ve got scabies

  I’ve got rabies

  Don’t let me near your pets or babies

  I’m contagious

  It’s outrageous

  Lock me in a box!

  I’m full of disease

  And I’ve got fleas

  I’m leaky, wet and smell of cheese

  I’ve inflammation

  And constipation

  And now I’ve got the pox!

  My Dilemma

  Here I sit in A&E

  With wife and children

  One, two, three.

  A nurse I fancy winks at me.

  The problem is, she is a he.

  Burger King

  I’ve just been to Burger King,

  And blocked one of their loos,

  And I surfed the net on wifi,

  They’d provided free to use.

  I ordered triple Whopper meals,

  And they loaded up my tray,

  Then I snatched my food

  And ran outside

  Because I didn’t want to pay.

  Pedestrian Crossing

  Little Green Man

  Tells me I can

  Begin to cross the road.

  But sometimes I don’t,

  And instead I wait

  To watch the anger explode.

  My Secret

  I take pictures on my phone

  Of things I really shouldn’t.

  Things to make your eyes pop out,

  I take pictures that you wouldn’t.

  I store them in a secret folder

  And I use the best encryption.

  A place the law will never find

  Which will save me from conviction.

  I take my pictures in the dark

  Outside of people’s homes.

  I feed my fetish every night

  Snapping garden gnomes.

  I fancied you until

  I saw you yawn

  Your beauty shone without compare,

  With emerald eyes and auburn hair.

  You were the moon,

  The dusk, the dawn,

  That was until I saw you yawn.
r />   And after that, with image trashed,

  Your pedestal completely smashed,

  I couldn’t face another morning

  And suffer your contorted yawning.

  Wee Wee

  My wee tastes of ginger beer,

  And Fabian’s makes us sneeze.

  Bernard’s wee is toxic,

  And Digby’s looks like cheese.

  Billy has the warmest wee,

  And is sticky; just like jam.

  Whilst Michael’s wee is frothy,

  And it smells like roasted ham.

  Maurice wants us all to play

  With one another’s poo.

  But we think that’s disgusting,

  What an awful thing to do.

  Takeaway

  I order rice and poppadoms

  And dhansak and paneer,

  And I get it sent to my address

  But I’m actually not here.

  I’m in the house across the road

  Whilst the people are away.

  I broke in here on Saturday

  For it’s a nicer place to stay.

  I watch the driver arrive by bike,

  Drenched with icy rain.

  And when he leaves,

  Still clutching food,

  I call them to complain.

  Treasure

  I’ve been down the park again

  Collecting bags of treasure

  People leave them near the bins

  And I keep them for my pleasure

  I don’t know what the contents are

  For the knots are tied so tight

  Most of them are nice and heavy

  Whereas some of them are light

  Many feel so soft and warm

  With others, hard and gritty

  I hope there’s something nice inside

  And not just something shitty

  Tiger and Raccoons

  Come and touch my tiger

  And show me your raccoons

  Then I want to see your bumble bee

  And nibble your baboon.

  And when we’ve done some buffalo

  And I’ve been inside your shrew

  We can wipe ourselves with feathers

  One for me and one for you.

  Dyson Airblade

  I dried my willy in a Dyson Airblade.

  Life will never be the same.

  It’s battered, shredded, bruised and sore,

  And I’m crippled by the pain.

  Night Miles

  Last night I dreamt of running,

  A truly vivid dream.

  I fell asleep in Milton Keynes,

  And woke in Aberdeen.

  I once woke up in Rotherham,

  Which disturbed me to the core.

  It was grim beyond all reason,

  A place I’d never been before.

  It happens without warning,

  This running through the night.

  I can wake up somewhere lovely,

  But it’s often somewhere shite.

  Badger Fun

  Spooning with a badger can be done.

  It’s not very easy, and it’s not much fun.

  But if you’re happy with the crime,

  Of facing court and a hefty fine,

  Then spoon a badger

  When you have time,

  And film it all to post online.

  Keeping it in the Family

  Stephen had a wife,

  And his wife, she had a lover.

  But Stephen knew this person

  Since the man, was Stephen’s brother.

  But the brother wasn’t faithful,

  Because he also had another,

  And used to meet up secretly,

  With the mother of his